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No one left behind.

In a Mage: the Ascension game, the party is trying to save my brother’s character from certain doom, and pooling our magical abilities together we manage to teleport him to safety… almost: someone fails their roll, so the character arrives with his left side stuck in a wall.

Him: Wow: that rescue sure cost me an arm and a leg.

Me: yeah, but at least you’re all right now.

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  • Playing Rifts, futuristic post apocalyptic Sci fi. Our party is heading into China and attacked by a group of demons led by a child soldier.
  • Psychic: Gettin' real tired of your mouth.
  • -flicks rocks at kid-
  • -rolls critical-
  • Psychic: Crap.
  • DM: Now now, he is a sturdy--
  • Psychic: -rolls highest possible roll- CRAP.
  • DM: .......oh.
  • Merc: .......
  • Kung-fu WerePanda: .......
  • Psychic: Well, damn.
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In one Shadowrun 4E game, there was a heavily cybered ork PC who dual wielded vibro swords and took great pride in tanking the fiercest of opponents uncontested. He was attacking the BBEG, a custom vampire who controlled seven swords that floated around him.

PC: I attack him with both swords. *rolls each attack*
DM: *rolls opposed tests* He parries both.
PC: HEY! He can’t do that unless he has two weapons as well!
DM: He has seven.
PC: Oh.

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DM: Did anyone take an artistic skill?

Cleric: Nope

Rogue: Nay

Gunslinger: Nuh-uh

Magus: I took Craft(Tattoo)

All: …

Magus: And we still have those centaur skins we were going to return to the tribe for proper burial…

*cue laugh track because we are all terrible people*

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"A stone is just a stupid rock elemental" -Druid explaining Stone Tell spell

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  • Finding a chest in a dungeon, the bard is given a wand that has a magic glow.
  • Bard: I cast detect magic!
  • DM: It is a wand of detect magic.
  • Bard: Just make my spells useless.
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(i play a dragonkin who’s flaw is making notes on enemies but is socially awkward for a personality trait by telling about his discoveries and sharing his book)
 Me (after questioning a spy about his master): so you say your master is a full blooded dragon, facinating!!
spy: yes.
Me: I wish to ask you one more thing. *reaches for notebook and quill* Do you know what your master’s innards look like!?
Group Barbarian: HE PULLED OUT THE BOOK, WE SHALL NOW DO INTERROGATION!! 
*Barbarian then rushes in to beat the spy with his fists*
Me: No, no that wasn’t necessary, I was only asking him about his master’s innards.
Barbarian: But you pulled out the book….

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I didn’t think of that…

My players are on a quest to retrieve and reforge seals that will keep an ancient evil in its prison.  They were sailing to the jungle in order to retrieve the next seal, when, for a bit of levity and a potential side quest, I had their ship attacked by goblin pirates.  The following is what happened because no DM can think of everything…

Wizard: When the ship gets in range I’m going to Shadow Step into the Black Powder room of the Pirate ship.

DM (Me): Well you have no knowledge of ship building so you end up in the captain’s quarters.

Wizard: Let me check the quarters for a schematic (passes DC).

DM: You find a schematic for the ship.

Wizard: Shadow Step again (she has it memorized multiple times, and has it quickened as well in a pearl of power).

DM:  (After rolling some percentile dice) You find the powder room empty, with one open barrel of of powder.

Wizard:  I’m going to cast spark on the barrel and quicken shadow step to get back to my ship.

I have her roll a percentile die to see just what happens when she does this.

DM: As the back of the Pirate ship blows up, the rest of the party sees Liilian shoot out of the shadows cast by the captain’s cabin, singed, smoking, and near death.  Her flight stop abruptly as she slams into the main mast and slither into a crumpled heap on the deck. The Pirate ship is quickly sinking off the port side of your ship. 

Paladin:  I rush over to her and cast lay on hands. She’s healed for 48 hps (back to full health)

Alchemist: I’m standing, staring in awe at the beautiful carnage.

DM: (OOC) Well fuck all, there goes the next few sessions I had planned. You suck. It was brilliant and all, but you suck. 

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In our newly formed dnd group, one guy makes a water elemental character. For three hours we made jokes about him, and we decided (the DM agreed) that if we put a teabag inside him he would change colors and he could drink himself.

In the second session, we had small battle and our bard catches fire.

DM: What do you do?

Bard: i jump through the water elemental so the fire will go out.

DM: You try to jump through him, but you hit his armor and fall unconscious.

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" I wrecked you to make you better"

                                -Our GM after we complained of our constant deaths.