Where’s The Ring?

A High-Elf wizard, Abend, foolishly decided to split the party and accidentally ended up alone in the big-baddies’ room.


Abend: Er.. Abend! Your… true love! Will you marry me?

DM: What? You can’t marry a bugbear!

Abend: I rolled a nat 20.


*Klarg rolls a 2 for insight*

Klarg: W-What? Well… let me see the ring!

Abend: Even better, my dear, a family heirloom! *pulls out an average holy symbol and rolls an 18*

Klarg: *rolls another 2 insight* It’s beautiful- just like my new fiance! We wed in the morning!

"We’re only level 2, why the hell are we fighting a dire crocodile?!"

— Me, to the DM in my first Pathfinder campaign.


Our Tiefling ended up knocking out all of the lighting in a room and everyone in the party was left standing in pitch darkness next to a ten foot ditch, except for the Dullahan in our group (Basically a Headless Horseman), whose head could glow quite brightly. Our Dwarf decided to try and use this to his advantage.

Dwarf: I steal Chr’rell’s (The Dullahan) head from it’s sling.

DM: …What?

Dwarf: I steal his head!

DM: …You know he’s going to kill you right? Roll for stealth.

Dwarf: *nat 20*

DM: *sighs* Hidden by the darkness around you, you manage to somehow sneak his head away from his body without him noticing. You only have a moment before he realizes what has happened though, what do you do?

Dwarf: I want to throw his head over the edge of the pit to see how far it goes down.

Dwarf: *botches the throw*

DM: You attempt to toss Chr’rell’s head over the edge, but in the process you forget to let go and end up tumbling over the edge along with it. Chr’rell’s head glares at you the entire way down, and lands comfortably on you while you take the fall damage.


the-tabletop-private-eye said: Do you do submissions for shit players say ?

Yep! Check the top bar of the site for the “What do your players say? (Submit a quote!)” link. We accept all kinds of silly, fun, and/or witty quotes and short dialogues. (Note: we understand that RPG players aren’t always perfectly PC, but we won’t publish anything blatantly racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.)

If you’re on mobile, which has no submit box, then you can submit via askbox - although if you can get to the submit box, please use that! For a variety of technical reasons, askbox submissions take longer to process and thus to appear on the site.

Also, current queue length is a little over two weeks long, so don’t panic if you don’t see your submission right away. :)


Fun with New Players

(Before starting a D&D encounter, the group discusses character details and background. We get to Hayley, who plays the human cleric Luusi. It’s her first time playing. I, Jack, am the DM.)

DM: So, why have you come to the town of Brindol?

Luusi: Um… I’m in the town because there is a… a meeting that I have scheduled with my fellow clerics.

DM: Okay, so It’s a meeting of clerics from all different faiths?

Cleric: Yes. 

DM: Alright, that’s cool. 

Cleric: It’s ClericCon!


So we added eldritch worship to the religion list by popular demand.

Sorceress: Guys, for the love of all that is infernal and wretched, please don’t attack the sect’s leaders during service.

Paladin: They’re just a bunch of squid lovers. What could go wrong?

Five turns and a botched diplomacy roll later, the level 2 party of two (the sorceress refused to participate) wound up trying to fight an eldritch god. It didn’t end well for anyone involved.


Reason #17 not to include blackpowder in your campaign.

Rogue: I take the empty barrel. I coat the inside with my glue. I add all my iron marbles and roll the barrel on its side until they all stick. Even distribution, of course. I pour in the black powder until its half full. I place my alchemists fire in the center. I fill it the rest of the way with black powder. I glue the barrel shut.

Paladin: …
Wizard: …
DM: …

Rogue (ooc): Now about that army outside…


So after following a theif to his hideout, the party decided it was time for some infiltration. I originally had planned for them to revisit this location later on, so I made the place impossible to stealth and made it seem as high level and threatening as I could at the time.

This did not stop them.

[Goliath knocks on the door]

Goliath: My name is Bob, and I’m here to tell you about the glory of the Silver Flame.

From behind the door: We don’t want any. Goodbye.
Goliath: I really must insist. The Silver Flame teaches steadfastness in the face of adversity.
I told them there was no response behind the door, hoping they’d leave. So their next obvious move was to take a crowbar, and rip the door off it’s hinges. At this point I was facepalming, which luckily was unseen through skype.
When they got inside I immedietly had the thieves all hide behind the nearest thing they could, praying to the almighty they failed their perception checks and just left.
Goliath: Hello, I am here to tell you about the Silver Flame, it’ll only take a few minutes of your time.
Pixie: It seems they have left.
At this point, I had hope, so I started to describe the bar.

"The bar is old and moldy, dust and cobwebs found at every corner. The place is empty. A few everlasting candles are lit at the tables, giving the place an eerie glow. Stretching as wide as half the room is the bar counter. Behind it there are stockpiles of-

*Pixie rolls a nat 20 while having the highest perception of the group*

"You hear six guys hiding behind the bar counter."


Dragon with strange accent


Damn loopholes

After four months of campaigning, we finally reach the final boss: a giant demon lord who is devouring the souls of the town it is towering over.

The cleric steps forward, raises his right hand, drops his mace, clenches his holy symbol in his left hand, slams his hands together, closes his eyes, passes his concetration check, casts…

Banish Demon.

*poof* Demon gone.

DM: You can’t do that 

Dan: Yes I can. He’s a subtype demon out of his realm.

Campaign over.