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A new twist on a classic tale

My players are investigating a strange burrow they found in the ruins of a recently burnt town


Henri (an Archeologist): “Okay, I look around the corner.”

DM(Me): “Down the tunnel a little ways you see a lizard.”

Henri: “Can I tell what it is?”

DM: “It’s a lizard.”

Henri: “Well, can I use Knowledge Nature to figure out what it is?” *rolls*

DM: “It’s a lizard!”

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"I’m sorry my tentacle grew a gross tooth, by the way."

— Cyborg PC

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Our adventuring party was pretty roughed up, and my rogue had been beaten into unconsciousness. The party decides we should return to civilization to heal up. It’s a long way back to town, so the party decides to stop and rest at a well. I don’t get a vote in this because my character is unconscious, and I’m pretty much just spectating until they wake him up.

Somehow, the fighter slips and falls in the well, and as he’s covered in platemail he instantly sinks to the bottom. He begins to down.

The ranger tears off her heavy armor, shouts out “Don’t worry! I’ll save you!”, and swan dives into the well. Then she begins to drown.

The wizard sighs, and drops his quarterstaff. He carefully climbs down the edge of the well, slowly slips into the water, and… yes… he, too, begins to drown.

I should mention that this isn’t a magic well, and it’s not a well with some kind of monster pulling them under. It was just a plain old hole in the ground full of water. My party was just that bad at rolling dice.

After the rest of the group drowns the DM turns to me and says, “Congratulations! Your unconscious rogue doesn’t know it, but by not rolling a single die or engaging in any action whatsoever this session he managed to outlive the entire party.”

“Oh?” I say. “So what happens to him then?”

The DM smiles. “Well, you’re not getting any better without medical treatment, so you slowly starve to death at the edge of the well until you’re eventually found and torn apart by wild animals.”

The most lethal five minutes in my entire 15 years of gaming wasn’t even part of the adventure. The well was just a random bit of scenery the DM pulled out of the air to describe the place we happened to make camp in.

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A gem by the Druid

We were investigating a murder in a forest, and suddenly we hear wolves howling not too far away.

Ranger (asking the druid): “You can speak with animals, what are they saying?”

Druid: “I don’t really care.”

Ranger: “Why?

Druid: “Howls don’t mean anything unless they mean something.”

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Starting up a game at my local college, a guy wanders in. I kind of know him and don’t mind showing him how to play. Things seem to be going fine and dandy (now have three players, one is a n00b and the other two are helping him) when all the sudden another friend shows up and the players invite him in. I shrug when he looks at me to see if I’m ok. He sits for a moment, thinking about what kind of character he wants to play.

"Can I play an aardvark?"

I blink for a moment before I reply with, “Only if you use a Scottish accent.”

And that’s how one of my players built an aardvark monk.

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I made it, right?

A bit of backstory: Our party was planeswalking to rescue some party members that were captured by Xill. There also happened to be giant spiders there as well. During a battle against a group of spiders, the following happens:

*Paladin gets bitten by a spider*

DM: Roll your fortitude save for the poison

Paladin: This will be too easy! I have +12 to my fort save. I don’t even need to roll!

DM: *sigh* Just roll it

Paladin: *rolls a Nat 1* I still make it, right?

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"One night during Dming the party of six PCs decide to have someone scout one of two hallways in front of them. Instead of sending one of 2 Rogues in the party they send the Monk with a vow of silence."

Monk: What is to the left

DM(Me): There is a sturdy wooden door.

Monk: Alright I open it, what do I see?

*Few rolls later*

DM: You see a great feasting hall, there are yaun-ti and orcs eating while listening to a red robed wizard.

Monk: Alright I close the door, did they hear that?

*Rolls a 1*

DM: While closing the heavy creaking door every viewable enemy watches you struggle with the door.

Monk: Alright I’ll go back to the party

DM:(Sarcastically) Alright, is anyone gonna ask him what he saw?

Ranger: Alright, what did you see?

Monk: I’m just gonna shrug and shake my head.

And then the horde of enemies came through the door.

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"If you don’t ask me why I detect as Chaotic Evil, I won’t ask you why you’ve been to Hell."

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A wizard with extremely flamboyant taste in clothing keeps hitting on my dwarf character.

Me: I’m not attracted to men in dresses

My friend (OOC): That’s not exactly true.

Me (OOC): Okay, my character isn’t attracted to men in dresses.

[everyone turns to look at me]

Me (OOC): You just revealed way too much about me.

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Navigator - “I want to use silent move.” *rolls success.*

DM - “Ok so the heavily armed enemy soldiers watch you as you silently run into the forest.”

Astropath (me) - “I’m blind so now I can’t follow his footsteps as I also flee.”