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Fighter: We should throw a copy of the holy book at the alter to see if it sets off the trap. I’ve got a pretty good arm…

Cleric: (sarcastically) Sure, why don’t we just take the skull of the deceased Father over there, throw that?

Fighter: That’s actually a really good idea!

Cleric: Don’t you dare!

(while the cleric and the fighter argue about why it’s wrong to use a holy man’s remains to trigger weight sensors, the rogue sneaks over to the pew, throws the holy book anyway, and releases the boss)

Rogue: …what? You weren’t doing anything.

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How we earned a town according to our DM

Backstory: for the past year we’ve had a running joke that we were going to retire our characters in a Pathfinder game and start a village named “Yoloswagville” and export wine and cheeses. For the past year our DM has said no every time.

Flashforward to last weekend (4/6/14): 

We were helping evacuate a university from invading soldiers, and were down to a pier that had three entrances, our idea initially was to block one of them with a wall of stone spell. When that was done, this conversation followed.

Inquisitor: Wait, do you have the spell stone to flesh?

Sorcerer: Yeah why? 

Inquisitor: Quick, turn the wall in to a wall of flesh?

Oracle: Why would we do that?

Inquisitor: Because we can turn it to flesh, I’ll give it Fox’s Cunning with that scroll we found so it gains sentience, then set it on fire. It’s only existence will be pain.

Sorcerer: Yeah It’ll demoralize the enemy!

At this point we all were in agreement that this was a good idea, the DM was horrified, and so promised to make Yoloswagville a reality if we didn’t do this. Totally worth it.

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The characters, “Artefact Recovery Agents” for Interplanar Expeditions, based out of Sigil, are trapped on a world that’s supposed to be a steaming jungle, but is in fact an arctic wasteland.

Doctor Gremek, Gnome Alchemist and 1950’s Black And White Cold War Science Fiction Movie Mad Scientist, has just used one of his concoctions to turn a pile of snow into a roaring campfire.

Doctor Gremek: “Ah, fire. Is there anything it can’t burn?”

Melisande, Tiefling Witch: “Uh, itself?”

Doctor Gremek: “You’d like to think that! AND YOU’D BE WRONG!”

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evanbranco asked: Can you re-post the story about someone being a bear as a character? I can't find it anywhere and no one will believe me!

You mean this one? 

Source (sup/tg/ Archive)

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DM: Alright. The dragon is still flying and it has just finished breathing fire. Slade, it’s your turn.

Slade (Blackguard on a flying broomstick with the bard): I push the bard off the broomstick and fly into its mouth

DM: I…. uh…. you fly into its mouth….

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(Drow swashbuckler attacking a mimic)

DM: The Mimic is gonna lunge at you… *rolls a 1*

DM: Uh. Confirm botch? *rolls 1*

DM: Well. Threatening delimb? *rolls 1*

DM: The mimic lunges at you, but you had your rapier up, and it skewers itself on your blade, going still.

Drow: D-Did the mimic commit suicide?

DM: Yes.

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Rouge: I stick the goblin’s severed head around the corner and motion it to make the other two come forward.

DM: Roll perform, this is so…

*Rolls Nat 20*

DM: …The goblins walk forward completely oblivious to the fact their friend isn’t saying anything and happens to be missing its body.

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Cleric (currently being flanked by the Paladin’s horse and the Ranger’s wolf): What is this, a fucking petting zoo!?

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The usual ‘bar seductress’ scene. An elf has targeted the dragonborn fighter. The DM has told us he can’t hear us unless we’re close enough.

DM:She presses close, whispering about heading up to your room.

Other players shake their heads and wave their hands.

Fighter: I’ll have to tell them not to wait up for me..

DM: “I can’t wait that long,” She says. She wraps an arm behind your shoulders and moves in for a kiss. rolls

The other players roll, notice the elf has palmed a dagger. Desperately try to flag the fighter, who seems not to notice.

Fighter: Alright. I kiss her. Good and hard. Even slip her some tongue.

DM: She kisses you hard. Her other hand comes up and—

Fighter: Dragonbreath.

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The following takes place inside of a boat cabin.

(GM): Someone’s sneaking in your room, going though your belongings.
Rapis & Soltei (A sorcerer/musketeer two-headed giant-elf): Soltei, being paranoid, draws the handgun on her side and fires it wildly into the air. “HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!”
(GM): the someone dives out of a porthole, scared by the gunshots
Melody (The bard) jolts awake. “Aaaah! What the!?”
Rapis & Soltei: Soltei: “Damn right.” *turns over and goes back to sleep.* *Rapis is meanwhile wheezing in panicky confusion.*
Soltei: “Mmmm stop hyperventilating, I want to sleep.”
Melody: “Don’t you start shooting the ceiling and then roll back over to sleep!”