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Pixie: Let’s steal that horse

…and light stuff on fire

Goliath: Wouldn’t that spook the horse?

Pixie: It’ll run faster

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Into the “Dungeon”?

The party enters a cave and after looking at the map that the DM made it appeared that there were rooms shaped like a kidney, a set of lungs and as we make our way to the back of the cave we find this…

DM:As you venture into the back of the tunnel you find a small hole with a rank smell emitting from bellow.
Me:Okay guys trust me!!! We wandered into a giant dragon! This is the poop shoot!!!
*pushes companion in*
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"I can’t reach them from out here right? So…I want to leap into the air and spit in an enemy’s EYE"

—Hammerface the dwarf ended up leaping 70 feet into the air and giving an enemy AIDS with her spit, causing him to take some damage each turn

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While battling a nymph, one of the players set her home tree on fire, which causes her to be on fire.  She is also knocked prone on the snow.

"Hey! Now there is a better reason for me to say ‘She is smokin’ hot!’"

-Dan

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(The bard’s been searching for a hidden magic item for the past few days in an inhabited castle)

Bard: I cast Detect Magic on the maid.

DM: She’s glowing from magic.

Bard: I steal her broom and mime flying with it.

DM: Make a use magic item check?

Bard (ooc): Wat? *rolls a 20*

DM: You try and fly, and you successfully do.

Bard (ooc): Wat.

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No One Escapes Queen Cordelia

DM: So, you sucessfully case after the Anti-Paladin on his flying-nightmare-horse

Cordelia (newly crowned queen): What can I do to stop him? None of my spells can hit him. Can I throw something at him?

DM: If you have anything that you can throw at him.

Cordelia: I don’t think I have-I CAN THROW MY FORTRESS AT HIM 

*casts true strike*

*throw collapsible magic tower fortress*

Anti-Paladin: Wha-

Cordelia: QUEEN CORDELIA NORTON

*tower springs up and the Anti-Paladin rides into it face first*

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GM - (The magical gauntlet) says “I would watch how you speak to your superiors”. You can’t see its spirit form, but it’s a small shape on top of your head.

Ranger - *Deadpan* It’s a cat, isn’t it?

GM - *Beat* Dammit!

Sailor (who also GMs on occasion) - I told you she’d get it.

Ranger - I have cats! It starts going on about being superior, of course it’s feline!

GM - Okay, fine, it’s a spirit in the shape of a cat. The gauntlet forms a bow, and its abilities depend on the cat’s mood.

Sailor - You’re totally a crazy cat lady.

Ranger - I AM CRAZY CAT LADY!

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(We’re facing off a giant ant, among many other vicious-looking monsters)

Elf ranger: I’m gonna punch the ant.

Me (Eladrin wizard): Don’t do it bro.

Elf ranger: I’m gonna do it. *rolls 20*

Everyone at the table: OOOOOOHHH!

(It was a beautiful moment for all involved. I mean, he was brutally murdered by it, but it was a heroic death.)

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Fighter: We should throw a copy of the holy book at the alter to see if it sets off the trap. I’ve got a pretty good arm…

Cleric: (sarcastically) Sure, why don’t we just take the skull of the deceased Father over there, throw that?

Fighter: That’s actually a really good idea!

Cleric: Don’t you dare!

(while the cleric and the fighter argue about why it’s wrong to use a holy man’s remains to trigger weight sensors, the rogue sneaks over to the pew, throws the holy book anyway, and releases the boss)

Rogue: …what? You weren’t doing anything.

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How we earned a town according to our DM

Backstory: for the past year we’ve had a running joke that we were going to retire our characters in a Pathfinder game and start a village named “Yoloswagville” and export wine and cheeses. For the past year our DM has said no every time.

Flashforward to last weekend (4/6/14): 

We were helping evacuate a university from invading soldiers, and were down to a pier that had three entrances, our idea initially was to block one of them with a wall of stone spell. When that was done, this conversation followed.

Inquisitor: Wait, do you have the spell stone to flesh?

Sorcerer: Yeah why? 

Inquisitor: Quick, turn the wall in to a wall of flesh?

Oracle: Why would we do that?

Inquisitor: Because we can turn it to flesh, I’ll give it Fox’s Cunning with that scroll we found so it gains sentience, then set it on fire. It’s only existence will be pain.

Sorcerer: Yeah It’ll demoralize the enemy!

At this point we all were in agreement that this was a good idea, the DM was horrified, and so promised to make Yoloswagville a reality if we didn’t do this. Totally worth it.