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Flabbergasting the GM

*Playing on Roll20 in a game called Talislanta, currently on a ship and we’re being boarded by what we were told were pirates*

Caleb (Duelist, OOC): Great, we’re being attacked by Ninjas

GM: They’re not Ninjas, they’re Pirates!

Connor: Ninja Pirates!

*A day later*

GM: You see a Harakin (Race that eats people) with a group of Pygmies.

Caleb: Ok, so we’re being attacked by Mr. Cannibal and Lizardmen

GM: THEY’RE NOT LIZARD PEOPLE!

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Racism Damage

In the Arena:

Bard: Using Vicous Mockery I yell “SO NOW WE SEE THE STRENGTH OF ORCS”

(Rolls a 1)

DM: The crowd find that offensive and pelt you with stones, take 5 racism damage

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*rogue stabs rust monster with frost dagger, finally killing it*

CN Druid: I lick the stab wound!

Me as DM: …..

DM: …. You’re serious?

Druid: Yep! its like licking an ice cube!

DM: Fine. You lick the icy stab wound of the freshly killed rust monster.

Druid: *Laughing*

DM: Roll a Fortitude Save.

Druid rolls, and got a natural 1. 

DM: Congrats! You now have tetanus!

After a while later, the druid ended up with lockjaw because of the tetanus.

We had a house rule that if your character couldn’t talk, neither could you.  

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The Best Cleric

Allow me to set the scene. My players have been clearing out an ancient temple infested with goblins and the servants of an evil necromancer. They have just defeated a group of mercenaries and a doppelganger, who is now begging for his life.

Doppelganger: Please! Let me go! I’ll leave and never come back!

Zarok (Human Fighter): Do we have your word on that?

Doppelganger: Of course!…

Zarok: So you won’t gather some of your friends and come back to fight us?

Doppelganger: Why on earth would I do that? You just killed all my friends… But what’s to say that you won’t come back and kill me? How do I know you won’t do that, hmm?

Ursa (A Half-Orc Cleric, who up to this point has said nothing): YOU DON’T!

*Rolls a 20 and splits the Doppelgangers head in two with his battleaxe*

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Why the story teller is probably regretting letting us be superheros.

A bit of back story: Our group is pretty mish mash, we live in an area without a lot of players so we take what we can get. One guy (the victim here in this story) is particularly loud, constantly goes off topic, distracting from the game and when we are in game is constantly screwing over the party “because it’s what his character would do.” This is one player’s attempt to get back at him in the most awesome way possible.

Storyteller: You turn around and see a grizzly bear.

Player: How much can I lift with one dot in Mega Strength?

ST: About one ton.

P: How much does the bear weigh?

ST: About 1,500 lbs.

P: I pick up the bear.

ST:…You what

P: I grab the bear and pick it up over my head.

Dice are rolled.

ST: Ok, you have the bear. Go you.

P: Excellent, where did that other guy go?

ST: He is on the other side of the river.

P: I cross the river.

ST: It’s too deep for you to walk across with the bear.

P: Ok, I jump across the river.

ST: …With the bear?

P: Yes.

ST: Roll for it, increase the difficulty to 9.

P: *rolls*  8 Successes.

ST: …Yeah, you leap across the river.

P: Do I see him?

ST: No, he is hiding. 

P: I throw the bear at him.

ST: ….why?

P: He pissed me off, so I throw it in a random direction and hope it hits him.

ST: *Looks to other guy and makes some rolls* You see a bear flying at you.

Other Guy: You asshole. *Botches an attempt to dodge and gets a face full of bear*

Chat
  • Our party was trying to get some intel from a half-orc butcher. The only one in the party with enough CHA was our merfolk cavalier, who disguised himself as a woman to seduce the guy.
  • Half-orc: "Welcome! Can I interest you in some of our quality meats?"
  • Merfolk (in disguise): "Actually, I'm only interested in one choice of quality meat." *wink*
  • Half-orc: "Well, what are you looking for?"
  • Merfolk: "What I'm trying to say here is I wanna suck your dick."
  • Turns out the half-orc was gay.
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Because apparently looting dead monsters wasn’t enough for our rogue, nope.

Rogue: I try to eat the dead gibberling.

DM (me): You what!?

Rogue: Hey, I’m hungry, okay?

DM: Upon closer examination, the gibberling is missing patches of hair and looks diseased.

Rogue:  Sweet. I rip off its leg and eat it. 

DM: (sigh) Okay, you rip off the gibberling’s leg, cook it up—

Rogue: No, no, I just eat it.

DM: Ugh, fine. Roll fortitude.

Rogue: (fails fortitude save)

DM: You immediately start feeling queasy. You are sickened for the next 24 hours.

Rogue: Dude, what?

DM: You just ate a dirty, diseased gibberling. Raw. Just be glad I didn’t give you rabies or some weird deadly gibberling disease or something.

Rogue: (sarcastically) Thank you, oh wise and mighty DM, for only punishing my stupidity somewhat.

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Obvious

The magic shop in Waterdeep that my players had visited in an earlier session was attacked, the shop keeper beaten and the place burned down. Upon arrival to the crime scene the Cleric starts talking to the shop owner while the other players start pilfering through the wreckage to find anything useful and figure out what happened. The Human bard rolls a *nat 20 and with bonuses gets 33 in Investigation. Bard: “What happened here” DM(me): “There was a fire”.

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Son of Loki: Be careful putting your clothes on the next morning.
Daughter of Tlazoltéotl: …Do you need my pants?

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Sorry, this isn’t an askblog, nor is it a place for discussing balance - we’re just here for the crazy player quotes! :) You can try searching sites like RPG Stack Exchange for your D&D-related questions.