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The party finds themselves in the Abyss. They were chasing after a guy called Viscaris, whom they faced earlier in a dungeon. A succubus wanted the fighter/thief to kill him and was very specific about that.

Eldred (mage/thief) to Mel fighter/thief):  You are the only one with mobility problems.
DM: You could also give her Rolf’s boots.
Rolf (ranger): Yes, I give her my boots. (boots of flying)
DM: So that means Rolf is standing on his socks in the Abyss.
Mel: No, he’s getting my Boots of the North.
Rolf: At least I won’t get cold.

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The party was inside a temple dedicated to Chalydia, a devil lich. The players were stuck in a booby trapped room.

DM: You jammed two swords into the chains to stop the room.
Questor (cleric): They are magical.
Gri’shak (fighter): What? You used magical swords? But we could have given those to our henchmen to ensure their loyalty!
Questor: Relax, I have 5 of those swords.
The rest of the party: Why does that cleric need that many swords?

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One of our teammates managed to step on a trap which opened a door, and around 200 evil tiny bats flew out of the door toward us.
Our bard used a sleeping spell, and succeeded with it, making all of the 200 tiny bats fall to the ground, sleeping.
We proceeded to step on all of them.

Rouge: Let’s step on them.

Bard: NO, they’re so tiny, don’t do it.

Rouge: Squish squish squish I’M STEPPING ON THEM!

DM: You have killed all the 200 sleeping bats by stepping on them.

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The girl who plays the bard in or team was a bit sick during the time we played, so this happened.

DM: What do you want to do? There’s a skeleton king in front of you who’s trying to claw one of your teammates to death.

Bard: *Sneezes*

DM: Okay, you sneeze onto the skeleton king.

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Half-elf Rouge: I’m going to fuck up the door.

DM: You’re humping the door-

Half-elf Rouge: NO, I’m going to FUCK UP the DOOR!

DM: The door is beaten pretty badly.

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When no one showed up, our group decided to improvise a session with three human commoners with 10’s in every stat and three skill points. When organizing our characters, this happened

Player 1: I want to get a torch!

Player 2: But I wanted the torch!

Player 1: I called it

DM: …You can both have Torches

Player 2: Sweet

[pause]

Player 2: I kill him and take his torch!

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While talking to the chief of the mutated people living in the caverns beneath the city:
Cheif: Of course we’ll lend our aid, but we need some help first. We need you to bring a message to the governor.
Cleric: Of course we’ll get your day pass so you can visit your daughter Leela.

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We’re playing a quick game wherein all the players in the group decided the powers of the other players while they’re out of the room. There’s a wizard who’s only ability is to cast spells using two word combinations, and he can never use the same combination twice. The players wind up at house together, waiting for someone to tell them why they were gathered there.

DM: After hours you finally crack the code of the basement computer. There is an email waiting. It reads: I’ll be there soon. My flight in is running late, but in an hour I’ll be there to explain.

[the party moves upstairs.]

Wizard: This is taking too long. I wanna know right now. “Summon Plane.”

DM: W-what? It was only an hour, I… okay. You hear a loud rumbling. You step outside the house and see that a rapidly moving jumbo jet is beginning it’s descent down the road. It’s wings smash into house along the road destroying them and the plane itself lights on fire as it barrels down the street towards you.

Warrior: I jump on the plane and push it’s nose down to stop it.

DM: Well you’ve killed the pilots. But the plane is stopped. However, it’s still on fire and there are still people inside.

[The party rescues as many as possible and the woman they’re waiting for, as she beings to lecture them on stupid decisions the wizard speaks up.]

Wizard: You know what screw that. “Begin Armageddon.”

[Everyone including the DM stares slack-jawed for a moment.]

DM: Sigh.

DM: In the other room the tv snaps on, Armageddon begins to play.

Wizard: Whaaat? I’m outta here. “Escape House.”

DM: Fine. You snap into existence somewhere else. It is pitch black and you are in a confined area. You hear glubbing noises. When you try to move you hear chains rattle. You are in a coffin chained shut sinking into the ocean. Now shut up.

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Oops, this is what I get for not watching where I’m posting. Guess y’all get a little dose of evil mermaids mixed with your normal D&D quotes…? Sorry about that!

Photo
pixiedust-paycheck:

kisskicker:

Whoopsie, turns out that Ariel was one of the old-school, prince-drowning mermaids. Sorry, Eric!

I don’t know how to feel about th-JUST KIDDING THIS IS FUCKING RAD

pixiedust-paycheck:

kisskicker:

Whoopsie, turns out that Ariel was one of the old-school, prince-drowning mermaids. Sorry, Eric!

I don’t know how to feel about th-JUST KIDDING THIS IS FUCKING RAD

(via bloodstainbowbarnacle)